I don't deserve to weep

No one had spoken the whole way back, or if they had, she hadn't been listening. Zara had nothing to say, no other thoughts except to wonder what went wrong, how it could have happened, and feeling some ounce of guilt that most of the others seemed to be feeling as well. Maybe it wasn't just one person's fault, and yet, she had a feeling Mick was going to that particular dark place.

He was supposed to be their leader, so naturally she was assuming... especially after Dax tried to tell her that the man wasn't taking this well. It wasn't difficult to see what Jeff's death was doing to Mick, and she had to shut her mouth everytime she thought to say something.

It would have been a dumb idea, especially because she truly didn't know what to even say anymore. Regardless, she couldn't let him just wallow in this guilt any longer. So, after the funeral, not bothering to change out of the skirt suit that had dried blood and dirt in small spots, barefeet carried her to Mick's door where she knocked quietly.

No answer. She knocked again and listened, speaking up only loud enough for him to hear if he was in there, "Hey, could I come in?" No, he was definitely in there, everyone heard the door slam. When she got no answer, she chanced the door and turned the knob.

It was unlocked and she slowly peered in, only to find he was nowhere in sight. Green eyes blinked in confusion and a hint of concern washed over her face before she heard the flutter of paper and the creaking of floorboards above. Zara spotted the spiral stairs and stepped further inside his bedroom.

"Mick...?" she called out again in slight hesitation, making her way closer to the staircase to look up them.

She waited a few seconds more before carefully proceeding up those steps where she'd find him hunched there across the desk; and she didn't need to see his face to know he was tense. Zara could see it in his shoulders and how very suffocating the air felt.

For a moment, she considered leaving. Mick didn't seem to notice her and she could possibly sneak back down, but she didn't want to. She didn't want to see this eat away at him- at any of them on the team- so she couldn't simply wave it off as though it wasn't her problem, because it was. They were a team, and they were a family. The only one she had left besides Dax.

As he turned, spotting her in the reflection of the glass, she was almost startled by the quietness of his voice. It almost sounded wrong since it was unusual for him...or maybe that was a sign that they argued too much, because that was the kind of tone she was used to. "I'm not-" Zara stopped, technically about to argue so she made sure to soften her voice even more in case. "I'm not here to argue...but I know what it is you are doing."

Bright eyes dropped to the scattered papers and she moved to kneel down and pick them up, if only to give her something to do. "You're blaming yourself, Mick...and you can't."

'I can, and I will.'

Zara let that go for now while she slowly picked up the papers. She was scrambling for what to say when he already decided to speak further.

She slowly rose back up to her full height behind him, drifting over to the desk to place the papers down. A quick glance, she knew it was the plans from the recent mission and burning them would probably be the best way to get rid of them.

'...and I make sure those missions are foolproof so we can all come home in one piece.'

Her lips, previously tinted from the lipstick she had been wearing and smeared off with the back of her hand, parted to speak, yet he wasn't giving her the chance to. Mick continued, trying to justify all of it, going so far as to throw a "what if" scenario at her regarding her brother. That's when she turned from the desk to face him, staring him down immediately.

"You didn't pull the trigger!" she said in exasperation. "You speak of putting this team together, Mick, but you're so quick to take the blame for everything we do as a team. We all messed up, we all made a mistake." Her voice had risen but it wasn't in the same way it usually did, because she too was feeling the pain and guilt. If he hadn't realized, they were all feeling it right now.

"I can only imagine what Jo is thinking and blaming herself for. I regret not delaying the bastard long enough, Dax felt like he didn't get there fast enough...we were all there. A team is in shit together...not just when you fucking feel like it." She bit the inside of her cheek, feeling her nails dig into her palm as she clenched her fist to keep herself from crying. "You may have chosen us...but we accepted. We knew what we signed up for."

Zara knew exactly what he was doing, if only because it was in her nature to do the same thing. For the longest time, after their parents were taken, she never got close to anyone. It was only ever Dax since then...until Mick and his crew. Perhaps, at times, she didn't act like it, but she cared about them all. Even if she didn't willingly open up to any, she was still there to be supportive in whatever way possible. That was a big step for her that they probably didn't even realize.

Now, here he was, trying to shove her away so that he could wallow and lose himself to the guilt. Normally, she would just go, but her feet felt rooted to that floor.

"So you're gonna to listen to someone who isn't on the team? You're gonna listen to some stranger over me- us?" What the fuck, Zee? But she didn't seem to care about the little slip. She wanted to go on to say the doctor was obviously going to blame someone after losing a patient in such a way with not knowing the details, yet Mick wasn't stupid, he should bloody hell know that already.

Was he being self absorbed in a very martyr-like way? Perhaps, or his brain was just subconsciously thinking if he took the brunt of it all, no one else had to. What he wasn't realizing was that, as a family, they weren't going to let him.

'Did you? Did you really know what you signed up for?'

Green eyes narrowed just slightly, forcing herself to remain silent and allowed him to get this all off of his chest. She took a half step back as he approached before standing firmly again. From there, she could see his struggle more, the pain on his features which was only making it twenty times harder for her to remain composed. With each passing second, she was beginning to break down more.

They'd never dealt with a death on the team before, at least not while she was a part of it. It was new territory and it was scary.

Just as scary as his plea, and the way his hand was reaching up towards her face.

It was reflex to grab his wrist and halt him, fingers gripping gently but somehow tighter than needed. Maybe it was a warning, maybe it simply surprised her and she didn't know how else to take it, but she didn't let go.

'Please.'

"No," she said after a moment, her voice quiet because she feared it would crack if she spoke any louder. "The others might back down and give up with your ignorant ass, allow this to drive you crazy...but I'm more stubborn than you, you fuckin' idiot." Wasn't she supposed to be trying to comfort and talk sense into him? Well, this was just her way of doing it, as always.

"I did know what I was getting into, because trusting others isn't something I easily do. The fact I'm here says something... because it's what a family does, we rely on each other." She could feel her annoyance and anger rising (which always seemed to happen around him), and Zara was really trying not to unleash it all. Still, little by little, it was beginning to seep out since she was so desperate for him to stop this. He wasn't supposed to cry, and yet it was managing to endear him more to her. That was making her nervous.

"Do you not trust us enough to help? To work together to be better next time? You're good at this, Mick, but you're not that good. Not on your own." Her voice was beginning to rise despite trying to avoid it, because she could feel it beginning to waver. She just wanted to smack him for being so stupid and withdrawn right now, automatically thinking that maybe scolding him would work better.

Yes, she was going to be a hypocrite.

"So, fuckin' wake up and realize that you brought us here because we fill in those spaces your ego doesn't, and you need us. We're better together and you bloody hell know it." She barely realized that her grip had tightened, beginning to dig her thumbnail into the inside of his wrist.

Even if she was near yelling and blatantly scolding him, it was taking everything within her not to crack. The tears were there in her eyes, but her throat was already so sore from refusing to let them fall. It was just difficult when Mick- the man who was only supposed to be walking sarcasm- had finally cracked. Zara didn't like it, and there was this instinctive need to have to fix it, she was just afraid she wouldn't be able to.

Then, he was surprising her again, and she held her breath.

Was he actually relenting? Were these words just to placate her, get her to leave so that he could start this whole cycle all over again? Mick never admitted to being wrong, at least against her, so he would have to forgive her for being a bit taken aback by that. If this had been any other time, any other argument, she might have laughed. But there was no humor on her face, and she became fearful of the strangeness of this all.

'I do need you.'

He meant all of them, of course. She got that. It made the most sense. For a split second, though, she felt this flip in her stomach, remembering that she wasn't breathing until it nearly became painful. Then, the more he said, the more she had to remember what they lost today, and it was making her hands shake. He was breaking her down further.

'We're not invincible.'

"No, we're not," she agreed lightly, her voice quiet and it was clear that she was on the verge of her own breakdown. It was inevitable now. "Last I checked, though...Batman was nothing but a billionaire playboy with gadgets. Sounds like someone else I know." There was just a hint of a smile before the pain of the situation overrode it. Another moment, and she felt one traitorous tear fall down her cheek.

"But this, all of this...is a chance I'm at least willing to take. I'm here because I believed you when you told me what you were striving to do. You can't back out now-" Zara paused, wanting to mention how Jeff's death would have been for nothing if Mick gave up, but she couldn't. Instead, she felt a sob deep within her chest, and she broke down just a little bit more.

She watched him for a moment, her brow furrowing in dark thought. "I'm scared," she finally admitted. If he wasn't so close, he would have missed it because she was so quiet now. Zara finally let go of his wrist only so that she could reach up and attempt to wipe the tears from his face with her thumbs. "But I believe in this cause, so...I'm gonna need you to get your shit together, alright?" She was trying to lighten the mood and only felt like she was partially succeeding.

Was this what happened when you suppressed all emotion? It hurt like a mother fucker, and she couldn't remember the last time she felt this way. It was probably when Will and Lisa were taken away thus breaking up the only other family she knew. Maybe that was why she was there with Mick now, why she had argued with him, needed him to realize that he wasn't alone.

She needed this family. She didn't want to lose any more.

And what they were doing- attempting to do- was hard. They weren't getting paid, they weren't under anyone's employ; they were taking this risk entirely on their own, carrying the weight upon their shoulders. Still, it was a purpose, something Zara never really had before.

There was a gentle, staggering intake of breath when he caught that tear, and it was then that her gaze finally dropped from him in something akin to embarrassment. Maybe there was no need to stay strong anymore, but Zara couldn't seem to fully allow herself to give in. It helped to see that ghost of a smile of his, though, but it didn't prepare her for what he did next.

Suddenly, his arms were encircling her and she felt the weight of his head upon her shoulder, immediately freezing her where she stood. At first, it was strange, it felt like some dream but the warmth of him couldn't be denied. And it was comforting. It was real, and he was allowing her to see this side of him that she never thought could possibly exist.

And she liked it, nearly as much as that snark he usually shared.

After a moment, she returned the embrace; one of her hands drifting to the back of his head to filter fingers into his hair. Something else seemed to scare her right then and there, but she attempted to ignore it. "I'm gonna miss him, too..." she said, jaws clenching at the way his voice cracked. He was killing her with this, and despite how close she was to completely breaking down, she just wanted to fix him. It was just so hard to pretend to be strong in this very new and vulnerable moment, and she felt another sob wrack through her body. "And we'll push through...for him."

It just wouldn't be so easy next time, she knew, but to dwell on the dark was to fully lose yourself to your sorrow. And they couldn't let that happen- there was so much more work to be done. She signed up for this willingly, she did know what she was getting into, and she had already resigned to the fact that it would be the last thing she ever did. One didn't just stop this kind of job unless it was finding themselves in a body bag. Zara understood that, and found her arms tightening around him just a little bit more.

How did it come to this? They had been so certain, so ready to pull this off and see it through this morning. And one tiny thing seemed to escalate until it was spiraling out of control. Then Jeff was gone. One of their own taken just like that. It could have been any one of them, and it had made her keenly aware that it also could have been her brother. It could have been Mick. It could have been anyone else, and there was still a risk. There always would be every time they set out on a mission. The only thing they could do was prepare better and not falter.

Zara said nothing because there really wasn't anything else she could say at this point. Instead, she remained there in his arms, with her own around him in a moment of weakness none would expect from either of them but she didn't care. She just couldn't help but wonder what would happen and how it would be once she left this room and things resumed back to normal, if they would just bicker and be at each other's throats or if that might even lessen.

These thoughts immediately ceased as he turned his face, and she felt the warmth of his breath and wetness of his tears against her skin. Further and further, he was falling down and she did her best to hold him up; fingers still in his hair as her other hand gently ran up and down his back in comfort. That fear intensified and she no longer held her tears at bay, because she was trying not to think the worst. Zara strangely adored this vulnerable side of him, but at the same time, she never wanted to see it again. Not like this. All it did was remind her of how fragile they really were.

Fingers curled into the fabric of his shirt as she held him tightly, murmuring between her own gentle sobs the only thing she could think to say, "It's alright." It wasn't, but it would be.

After all of this time, she thought Mick only cared for the mission...and she had been terribly wrong.