Monsters aren’t the only things that lurk in the dark

It was late, but he wasn't tired. Jin never seemed tired these days. The worst was when he couldn't keep eyes on her and simply had to wait out the hours, sometimes days, until Steph could slip away. Protocol was to meet up at least once a week, but there had been delays in the past where they went on a couple of weeks, leaving him in a panic until he was able to catch her on one of the cams or she could send him a message.

He didn't like it. He hated watching her leave out that motel door. He hated letting her go.

Nine long months and he prayed she would have good news tonight. Jin had to get her out of here- she was already getting in too deep, already getting too close to having to do things that would haunt her. As her handler, he was supposed to try and protect her from that...but as a cop, as a detective, he was supposed to urge her to continue diving deeper into the black abyss of this criminal world.

He heaved a breath, as though he had been holding it in that entire time, when he heard the rapping upon the door. Jin was slow to rise up from his seat, the room barely lit by the single, shitty lamp on the nightstand as he approached. He knew it was Stephanie by the tapped code, but he still peered through the peephole to be doubly sure, then immediately opened the door. Perhaps he was a bit too desperate to do so.

Relief contorted his features as he looked down at the face hidden within the hood, then stepped aside to allow her in. The door was shut and locked before he spoke quietly, almost hesitantly, "You doing alright?" It was always a loaded question, but one he asked every time regardless. He had to know, and at the moment, it was more important than knowing any intel about the job.

She was always more important.

There were times where he thought he'd never see her on the other side of that door again. It was always a worry you had when taking a job like this, but it seemed to increase in different ways the longer it went on. Jin knew the dangers of being undercover, but he hadn't done so for as long as she had. He'd done it once, and knew if he had to again and for any longer, it would take a toll on his mental stability.

So, he could only imagine what Stephanie was going through, and with how much she confessed to him.

Shutting the door behind her, he turned to watch her pace forward and take a seat, flopping back on the bed; dark eyes watching her quietly in the dim. She was trying to keep herself together, but even he could see just how tired, physically and mentally, she was.

'I feel like the definition of alright changes ever so lightly every time you say that.'

He bowed his head, nodding slowly. "I know." And yet, he would still ask it not just because it was his job, but because he genuinely cared and worried for her. This whole ordeal was dangerous and he was getting the sense that it was only going to get worse. How much more was she going to have to deal with before he could pull her out of there? How much longer until she could be safe?

As she got down to business, he listened carefully as he walked his way to the small fridge, retrieving a bottle of water to hand it to her if she wanted. Jin wished he could give her something stronger to calm her nerves, but...protocol and all.

'-he says if I can keep Kalashnik happy and help him score some big fish out of New York that will be here on business, I can be there to make sure the deal goes swimmingly.'

Something about that made him pause. Jin had been moving to one of the chairs to sit, when he stalled for a moment. It hit a nerve, it didn't sit right with him, but at the same time, he was storing all of this information into the back of his mind so he could jot it down.

When he finally sat down, his gaze slowly drifted back to her, watching how she rubbed at her face, how she withdrew into herself, and it took every ounce of will not to go to her, not to risk stepping over that line.

And yet, when he spoke, he asked a question he hadn't intended to, "And how do you plan to do that?" His voice was quiet so as to hide his strain and concern. At least, he was attempting to.

The mission was supposed to come first...but there was a limit. Or, at least, there should be. Jin was on that border of what he thought was right, letting other emotions get in the way, and couldn't seem to think straight at the moment. Something was wrong, he could sense it, he could see it on her face...then his heart dropped to the pit of his stomach.

Juana would have fucked the beefcake by now. And she hasn't.'

Without even realizing, Jin rose up abruptly from his seat, taking a couple steps forward as though he were ready to pace the room. None of this was new or taboo, really. Undercover cops always dealt with morally compromising situations and often had to go through with them. Still, while a male agent may not have such difficulty in this particular instance, it was different for the women. Even he understood that.

He also realized how much he really fucking hated this right now.

Running a hand down his face, he turned in her direction but couldn't seem to look at her as she lounged back on the bed. "You don't think he'll hold out? Is this...is this something that will definitely help you get answers?" That was a dumb question- he already knew the answer and was silently scolding himself for even asking.

He wanted to take the question back the moment he said it, but it was too late. Steph didn't need to explain the Russian for him to understand what he was like. Even with what she'd already been telling him, those bastards were all alike...and because of her job, Stephanie was being dragged further and further into that dark world. What if she was pulled too far, what if he couldn't pull her out?

Naturally, she might think he was annoyed with her. It was his job to give her advice, to nudge her in the right direction, and urge her to get the job done. Yet, how was he supposed to do any of that when it came to this? Even with not knowing her promise to her father, Jin wouldn't push her to sleep with the son-of-a-bitch. It was disgusting, it wasn't right. His jaws were clenching so tight that he thought he might shatter his teeth.

Steph was talking, and he was listening, but he still couldn't look over to her, knowing his expression would betray him. He needed a minute, and yet, the more she said, the worse it all became.

'The man's one batted eyelash away from claiming me as his personal property.'

His fingers subconsciously curled into his palm until his knuckles were white. The finality in her voice was breaking him, angering him further, and Jin couldn't understand why this was escalating so quickly.

Oh no, he knew why. He was just fucking denying it every damn second of the day. He'd let himself get too close, become to involved in the idea of her without her even knowing or reciprocating. It was messed up, he knew. Sure, he had contact with the "outside world", but handlers had their own smaller demons to contend with. Still, nothing compared to what she was having to go through. She didn't need his complicated and confused emotions on top of it all.

'You don't have to tell me, I know I have to do it.'

And then he just snapped.

Jin shoved that chair so hard into the small motel table that it nearly toppled over from the abrupt impact. "No," he all but growled, his voice still as quiet as he could possibly make it. "No, you don't. There's gotta be another way. Maybe he'll hold out for a promise after..."

Yes, something was wrong, something was serious, but it had nothing to do with what she thought. Jin was far from disappointed with her, he didn't think he ever could be. What she was doing was dangerous but admirable, and she was taking on a great risk...one he feared he might not be able to save her from. Even if he desperately wanted to.

At her question, he waved a hand to signal that he was fine- which was a lie, of course, but Jin couldn't exactly tell her why he was suddenly upset, now could he? He figured, "I might have feelings for you" would be a shock, while "and I don't want any other man touching you" would just be ten times worse.

Hunched over, he gripped the back of that chair and drew in a deep breath. He had no idea how to keep her from doing this besides simply telling her it was morally wrong. This was a huge bust, one they'd been working on for close to a year now, and they needed that information.

'What if we don't get the bust, huh? What if I'm stuck here longer?'

"Then we cross that bridge if we need to," he answered quickly. Deep down, he knew he had to step back and rethink this, to go about it logically and not emotionally. Yet, how was he supposed to do that? There was no way he could let her walk out of there, knowing what she had to do.

How fucking dare he be selfish right now.

He finally turned to her abruptly, his own expression seeming to match the sad one on her own as he feared he would snap again. This time, however, his voice was barely audible when he spoke, his posture visibly slumping, "No, Steph...it's not okay. It's not. You can't-" A sigh, he ran a hand down his face again. He had to stop, he had to clear his head, he couldn't continue down this path.

"You shouldn't have to stoop to that level. I can't...let you do it." Somehow, his voice got even quieter, and it was difficult to hide the concern on his face. "I can't."

No, he didn't want her to cross that line, to forget her own morals. Steph didn't seem the type to just sleep with someone for the fuck of it, and doing so with a Russian criminal likely wasn't on the list either. Underneath the cover, she was still a woman with emotions and feelings. This was just wrong

Right? He wasn't just reacting this way out of selfishness, right?

He could barely look her in the eye still, too afraid his hidden thoughts and affection would show and betray him. For awhile, Jin was telling himself it wasn't real, because he was around her for so long, dealing with her for months...but now? With the way he snapped, he wasn't so sure he could believe that lie.

The moment she was in front of him, Jin stopped breathing. He had to get a handle on himself and relax, but her simple touch was making it a little difficult to, it was hard to concentrate on anything else. How had he allowed himself to spiral so quickly, so easily? This was like fucking amateur hour for him.

Steph began to talk again, to reassure him when it was supposed to be the other way around. He didn't say anything right away, but was very faintly shaking his head to at least express his displeasure over this entire thing.

'You have to let me do it Jin.'

Her flinch and the way she gripped his arm tighter was all he needed to know that she was not okay with this. And who the hell would be?

As she withdrew her hand, he was already reaching for it, somehow finding the need to be the anchor she didn't exactly ask for but should have. "You might think you accept it...but you don't. I don't," he told her quietly. Jin kept his voice low so that wouldn't further give him away. He already felt like he was failing tonight. Everything had escalated so fast. "I will not ask you to do this, Steph...but what you decide to do is entirely up to you."

His jaw clenched and he released her, forcing himself to take a step back as it felt like he had stepped over a line.

"I don't care about the job..." That was stupid to say for so many reasons...but he said it anyway.

Although he had been thinking about things nonstop (despite trying hard not to), this sudden burst of emotion from him likely came out of the blue for her. He probably wasn't making sense, and the array of emotions that painted across her face made it all the more obvious.

He should rein himself in, he should have had better control on his feelings than that. He was a trained professional, this wasn't the first time he's been a handler, and he knew the life of an undercover agent. He knew, he understood, and he shouldn't have said that. Not only did it sound like he didn't care about the job, which was careless, he was also letting things slip.

But he couldn't get the thought of Kalashnik putting a single hand on her, in any way. It made him sick, it made him angry, and he feared he wouldn't be able to contain it. Right now, he had to support her in whatever decision she made, get her out of that room, and continue to protect her in any way he could from the outside. That was his job. That was all it was supposed to be.

When did it all really change?

Stephanie was going off on him then, and all he could do was stand there, watching her tiredly.

'If this is about crossing lines...'

Oh, it was, but not the ones she was thinking. There was a sudden guilt that churned his stomach, his expression softening to match, and he had nothing to say. Not that Steph was really leaving much of an opening for him to speak during her angered tirade.

She didn't get it, and that was maybe a good thing. She was pacing, cursing, pointing a finger at him, and insulting him about all the wrong things...and he just let her. He had to. Jin had to let her believe whatever the hell she wanted because it was safer than the truth.

And then he ignored all the rules again.

'Don’t care about the job, care about me.'

Staring into those dark, pleading eyes, his jaw hurt from clenching it so tightly; the sight of her forming tears breaking him down further. He forced himself not to approach, not even a single step closer because he didn't trust himself. Before he knew it, his mouth was already opening to dig his grave a little deeper without his usual logic.

"I do, Steph," he said in barely a whisper. The voice in the back of his mind was screaming at him to stop. "It's why...I don't want you to do this, because...I do care about you." There was a different softness to his voice, something strange than what she was use to. It was affection, a fondness he'd never once spoke with before. And he looked completely defeated.